Spring Thaw

April 10, 2009

So yes, I know it’s been a long time. The reason for this? I surmise it’s been a combination of many factors. Lack of time, lack of inspiration, lack of motivation. However, all of these reasons boil down to one thing: winter. I feel as though my heart has been trapped under a giant layer of ice these last few months, desperately trying to pick its way out. Sounds strange for a newly married, healthy, successful young woman to say, doesn’t it?

Regardless of whether or not it makes sense, the facts are the facts. Life can be difficult. It can get mundane. It can lose its spark. It can disappoint. Now don’t misunderstand me: I realize that I am truly blessed, some might even say lucky! I get to share my life with a man capable of more love than I ever thought possible, I live in a cute little house in a safe neighborhood only a block from one of the best grandmas a kid could ask for, I’ve got two wonderful (sometimes crazy) dogs who keep me smiling even when I don’t feel like it, I get to talk about flowers all day long at my job which I LOVE, I’ve got a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and am fairly content.

So what do I have to complain about? The answer: absolutely NOTHING. But to be completely honest, sometimes realizing I have nothing to complain about , puts me even further into the doldrums of life. If my life is so good, so full, then why don’t I feel happier? Why aren’t I waking up with a smile on my face, jumping out of bed and shouting for joy that a new day has arrived? (And just for the record: this will NEVER happen. I am one of the most “non-morning” people you will ever meet. Just ask Mike.) Is it really possible for a person to feel bad for feeling bad? Yes.

Before you stop reading and close my blog because it’s depressing you, hear me out. As I said, along with the ground outside in this harsh Wisconsin terrain, my heart is slowing beginning to thaw. The part of myself which I love that strives to be better and live each day deeper and stronger is coming out of hibernation. I went for a four-mile run today with Chet and was delighted to discover that I can still run (yes, after running two marathons, I decided to put my running shoes on the shelf for, oh, only 16 months or so). I planted vegetable and herb seeds — indoors for now, just in case of another frost, of course — in an attempt to lower our grocery bill and be more “self-sustaining”.  I washed the inside of my car windows which had been driving me absolutely crazy. I’m writing a new blog post. And tonight, I intend to curl up with a book by my favorite author, Jodi Picoult, which I’ve been wanting to sit down and read for weeks. I have made a conscious decision to reclaim the reigns on my life and reattain my self control. I refuse to let this foul mood or depression of sorts determine the outcome of my days any longer.

And I feel that this is really no coincidence that this “rebirth” of myself comes during Holy Week. We have been preparing for the most celebratory weekend in the Christian’s life! While today is a somber reminder of the sins we commit day after day which led to our Lord’s death on the cross, in two short days we will be acclaiming His rise from the dead which secured our place beyond the “pearly gates”! The Lord foretold that our lives here would sometimes be a struggle. But He also reminded us how fleeting our years here would be compared to an eternity with him. It is this promise which allows me to get through the “winters” in my life. It is His unfailing love and mercy which fill my heart with joy, even when it lacks happiness. It is times like these that I am reminded that I was created by God to do GREAT things in a world full of hate and evil. It was never God’s intention for us to live this way, oppressed by the things of this world. He originally created a perfect garden for us to live in…a place without deadlines, expectations, conflict, or hate. And day after day, we throw it back in His face. This is the reason for the lack of true happiness.

Thank GOD that there is more than this life has to offer. Thank GOD for the ultimate sacrifice He made, that we all might live in a world that does not disappoint. And thank GOD for my cousin, who encouraged me to keep writing. It feels really good.

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One Response to “Spring Thaw”

  1. Sarah said

    I love you! You are such an incredible woman and your blessed life is no coincidence. You seek the best in yourself and others and you forgive yourself for not always being perfect which is the best thing you can do. I love that today, you took care of yourself in the small ways and they paid off big.

    Take care of yourself always, and never mind the “shoulds”–maybe you should feel happier, but if you don’t – that’s ok! There isn’t always an easy rhyme or reason for how we feel, but how we feel is authentic and sometimes just sitting with that feeling is OK-and then waking up the next day and making small changes when you’re ready.

    I love your writing.
    xoxo SP

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